Quandry

Today I've been thinking about what direction my life is taking. The image of "driver or passenger" kept running through my mind. As in, am I in control of my life or am I being driven along where life takes me? I am clearly at a crossroads, and I don't know how to proceed.

My husband was extremely ill last week, yet he continually denies me the right to share my concerns with anyone other than him. He yelled at me again this evening that I completely destroyed his privacy by talking to people (his office, his family, my family) about his being hospitalized with something other than pneumonia.

He claims he can no longer tell me anything because I blabbed his personal business to everyone. Yes, I did. I called his nurse to ask for her help in knowing what was happening with him in the ER. The nurse notified his partners, and they scaled back his schedule. He screamed about that. I blabbed to his family, telling them we couldn't join them for Thanksgiving as planned because he was in the hospital. Now, they're inquiring about his health and blood pressure, and he feels violated. I blabbed to my family because they're my family, and I know they'd do anything they could to help me. He told me he'd call from the ER. I was supposed to go home and wait by the phone for my husband to call me and tell me what to do. What if, G-d forbid, the worst happened? I would still be sitting by the phone waiting for a call that would never come. I did what I thought was right, and now he's punishing me for it.

Am I supposed to be the mindless, brainless, automaton, Stepford Wife that he can control? Or, am I supposed to trust my gut feelings and do what I think is right? My guts have never steered me wrong, but they might just break my heart. He thinks he's lost control of his schedule because I asked his partners for help. How would his schedule have been affected if he was hospitalized for a massive, debilitating heart attack, instead of pneumonia and other problems? Why is he blaming me for his failure to take care of himself?

The soundtrack in my head is playing an obscure little song by Mary Chapin Carpenter:

"The Bug"

Well it's a strange old game you learn it slow
One step forward and it's back you go
You're standing on the throttle
You're standing on the brake
In the groove 'til you make a mistake.

CHORUS:
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

You gotta know happy – you gotta know glad
Because you're gonna know lonely
And you're gonna know sad
When you're rippin' and you're ridin'
And you're comin' on strong
You start slippin' and slidin'
And it all goes wrong because

CHORUS

One day you got the glory and then you got none
One day you're a diamond and then you're a stone
Everything can change in the blink of an eye
so let the good times roll before we say goodbye because

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

These days I feel like the bug, the ball, and that I'm losing it all.