New Neighbors

For the last 15 months, "these people" have been building a house next door to us. I say "these people" b/c, in that time, neither of the owners ever came to introduce themselves, to apologize for the noise and inconvenience we would experience, or to leave a phone number if there ever were a problem. Not once. Ever. In the last 15 months. Their GC came over and gave me his number; he's been pretty nice. I've had a conversation or two in the last month with their landscaper; he was nice.

Two weeks ago, I saw them grading the lot in order to lay sod. I asked the GC and the landscaper, "Are you sure you've got the grading right? Are you sure this is being done in accordance with county code?" Typical male contractor's reply, "Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, lady, we got it." I wasn't convinced, so I called the manager of our homeowner's association. He said call the county. I called County Code Enforcement, and they said they would send out an inspector. Well, it must have taken Code Enforcement 2 weeks to get here b/c this morning all hell breaks loose.

I'm unloading my groceries, and three men approach me in my garage. Scared the crap out of me. Suddenly, Mr. New Neighbor is there, flashing a big smile, pumping my hand, "nicetameetcha". I introduce myself and say hello to the GC and the landscaper. Instinctively I knew what was coming. "A landscaping issue?" I queried. There's a problem with the swale between the 2 yards, and, basically, it's my problem and my dollar. Instead of plotting the property line weeks ago -- before they graded, sodded and landscaped the entire acre -- they just did it this week.

Turns out the swale, which they graded and sodded last week, is entirely on my property. They can either excavate half their side yard and re-grade their yard so it drains properly (and screw mine), or I can agree to have them re-grade just the swale and have both yards drain via my property. If I choose the former, I'm going to have to bring in probably 6 dump trucks' worth of fill dirt and have the whole side of my lot re-graded. Wouldn't be a bad thing b/c then I could finally landscape our lot properly. Think $$$$$. If I choose the second option, I am then responsible to the local water management district for the two lots' proper drainage.

Oh, and by the way, they need an answer by this Monday because this is holding up their Certificate of Occupancy. Then they trot out Mrs. New Neighbor, wife #2 and 13 weeks' pregnant with fertility triplets, to say they really, really, really want to move out of their villa b/c it's just too cramped with them and their 4 y.o son. She's barely nice. I try to be nice, but I'm just not that into it.

But that's not all. Their landscaper -- not them -- came to me last week and asked to remove 3 big (80') pine trees from my property b/c they were a hurricane hazard to both houses. They offered to replace them with some shade trees, which they did. We need those trees to block THE PLAYHOUSE FROM HELL. These hillbillies installed freakin' Country Bear Jamboree in their backyard. Every time I look out my family room windows, I see this giant, blue playhouse, perched atop a shanty and a G-d-damned 6' tall bear.I saw a picture of this #$%^! thing in last month's Costco magazine; it was selling for $9000. Who the hell spends $9000 on a playhouse? Sam's Club sells the playhouse for over $5500, not including delivery or installation; the bear retails for $2500. The awful thing is that Moose is inexorably drawn to TPFH.

I just called my lawn and landscaping guys. They need to come advise me what to do. I would desperately love to re-landscape my yard. It was done poorly and incorrectly to begin with. I can only imagine what a total re-do will cost. Way more than WineGuy will ever agree to spend. I sure wish he had a patient in the landscaping biz.

Look up the definition of "obdurate". You'll see my picture there.